8/31/2023 0 Comments Take your hands off my heart![]() This can hurt because we are not getting our way, and it can feel like the other person is doing something to us, when in actuality, they are just living their lives as they see fit. Those we love a lot may chose do things we don’t like, for example: ending the relationship, harm themselves, participating in addictions, or even just not give us what we want when we want it. ![]() One of those ways is the title of this post, “Heart on Hands off.” I did not make up this saying, but it really embodies a perspective that has been useful for me. Since experiencing these two extremes of co-dependency and narcissism I have been learning new ways to relate to others and myself in relationship. God, that hurt! It then became clear to me that letting go was my new learning edge. What I then discovered was that I had gone to the other extreme, to what some people refer to as “co-dependency.” While at one time in my life I wouldn’t let anyone in, now I was depending on this other person and our relationship to bring about a sense of being “ok” in the world. I learned about how beautiful that experience can be with another person, but the time eventually came for that relationship to end. This was the first time I fell in love and allowed someone to love me. I stayed with that partner for four years. This accident, along with the internal opening from the energy, left me vulnerable, allowing the love of people around me to sneak in. I was forced to let people in and to allow them to take care of me. I had always prided myself on being able to do anything, but now I could barely do the most basic things. After my hospital stay and surgery I was not able to do much on my own. I could not squash it down the accident unlocked something in me, and I have never been the same since. I felt a tremendous energy moving through my body and experienced a willingness to let it happen. As I was strapped to the backboard, something in me began to open. I was not aware of the magnitude of this experience at the time, but now looking back I see the beauty of it all. An ambulance was there shortly, I was strapped to a backboard, taken to a hospital, and preceded to have something amazing happen. I was alive, but did not know the extent of my injuries. I was not wearing a seat belt, (but don’t worry, I always wear one now!), was ejected out of the passenger side window, flew through the air and landed in a ditch about 20 feet away. ![]() We slammed right into it, skidded to the right and went into a roll. As we came over a crest of a hill on I-70 a gigantic elk was kneeling in the middle of the lane, stunned, having just been hit by a semi. One night, while driving from Breckenridge to Utah, I was getting my courage up to end it with her. Eventually, I met someone that I stuck with for a bit longer than normal, but after a few months I was so over it! I had convinced myself, as I do from time to time, that this woman was the problem and that I had to break up with her. I put up walls (not consciously, mind you) and actually believed that I was a really openhearted person. At the time, I thought I was calm, cool, and collected: how wrong I was! In retrospect, I was terrified of letting someone touch that place in me that was so tender, so raw, and so vulnerable. If I was involved romantically with someone and they got too attached to me or said they loved me, I was out the door. When I was in my early twenties I was the classic “tough guy.” I was not about to let anyone into my heart or my inner life.
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